RELATIONSHIP HELP

Advice for Building Relationships that are
Healthy, Happy and Satisfying
A strong, healthy relationship can be one of the
best supports in your life. Good relationships
improve all aspects of your life, strengthening
your health, your mind, and your connections
with others. However, if the relationship isn't
working, it can also be a tremendous drain.
Relationships are an investment. The more you
put in, the more you can get back. These tips
can help keep a healthy relationship strong, or
repair trust and love in a relationship on the
rocks.
•HOW TO STRENGTH YOUR LOVING
RELATIONSHIP
Everyone’s relationship is unique, and people
come together for many different reasons. But
there are some things that good relationships
have in common. Knowing the basic principles
of healthy relationships helps keep them
meaningful, fulfilling and exciting in both happy
times and sad:
•WHAT MAKES A HEALTHY LOVE RELATIONSHIP?
Staying involved with each other. Some
relationships get stuck in peaceful
coexistence, but without truly relating to
each other and working together. While it
may seem stable on the surface, lack of
involvement and communication increases
distance. When you need to talk about
something important, the connection and
understanding may no longer be there.
Getting through conflict. Some couples talk
things out quietly, while others may raise
their voices and passionately disagree. The
key in a strong relationship, though, is not
to be fearful of conflict. You need to be safe
to express things that bother you without
fear of retaliation, and be able to resolve
conflict without humiliation, degradation or
insisting on being right.
Keeping outside relationships and interests
alive. No one person can meet all of our
needs, and expecting too much from
someone can put a lot of unhealthy pressure
on a relationship. Having friends and outside
interests not only strengthens your social
network, but brings new insights and
stimulation to the relationship, too.
Communicating. Honest, direct
communication is a key part of any
relationship. When both people feel
comfortable expressing their needs, fears,
and desires, trust and bonds are
strengthened. Nonverbal cues—body
language like eye contact, leaning forward or
away, or touching someone’s arm—are
critical to communication.
Relationship advice tip 1: Keep
physical intimacy alive
Touch is a fundamental part of human
existence. Studies on infants have shown the
importance of regular, loving touch and holding
on brain development. These benefits do not
end in childhood. Life without physical contact
with others is a lonely life indeed.
Studies have shown that affectionate touch
actually boosts the body’s levels of oxytocin, a
hormone that influences bonding and
attachment. In a committed relationship between
two adult partners, physical intercourse is often
a cornerstone of the relationship. However,
intercourse should not be the only method of
physical intimacy in a relationship. Regular,
affectionate touch—holding hands, hugging, or
kissing—is equally important.
Be sensitive to what your partner likes. While
touch is a key part of a healthy relationship, it’s
important to take some time to find out what
your partner really likes. Unwanted touching or
inappropriate overtures can make the other
person tense up and retreat—exactly what you
don’t want.
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE TIP 2: Spend
quality time together
You probably have fond memories of when you
were first dating your loved one. Everything may
have seemed new and exciting, and you may
have spent hours just chatting together or
coming up with new, exciting things to try.
However, as time goes by, children, demanding
jobs, long commutes, different hobbies and
other obligations can make it hard to find time
together. It’s critical for your relationship,
though, to make time for yourselves. If you
don’t have quality time, communication and
understanding start to erode.
Simple ways to connect as a couple and
rekindle love
Commit to spending quality time
together on a regular basis. Even
during very busy and stressful times, a
few minutes of really sharing and
connecting can help keep bonds
strong.
Find something that you enjoy doing
together, whether it is a shared hobby,
dance class, daily walk, or sitting over
a cup of coffee in the morning.
Try something new together. Doing
new things together can be a fun way
to connect and keep things interesting.
It can be as simple as trying a new
restaurant or going on a day trip to a
place you’ve never been before.
Couples are often more fun and playful in the
early stages of a relationship. However, this
playful attitude can sometimes be forgotten as
life challenges or old resentments start getting
in the way. Keeping a sense of humor can
actually help you get through tough times,
reduce stress, and work through issues more
easily.
Focus on having fun together
Think about playful ways to surprise your
partner, like bringing flowers or a favorite
movie home unexpectedly.
Learn from the “play experts” together.
Playing with pets or small children can
really help you reconnect with your playful
side. If it’s something you do together, you
also learn more about your partner and how
he or she likes to have fun.
Make a habit of laughing together whenever
you can. Most situations are not as bleak as
they appear to be when you approach them
with humor.
Learning how to play again
A little humor and playful interaction can go a
long way in relieving tense situations and
helping you see the brighter side. If you’re
feeling a little rusty, learn more about how
playful communication can improve your
relationship, and for fun ways to practice this
skill.
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE TIP 3:
Never
stop communicating
Good communication is a fundamental part of a
healthy relationship. When people stop
communicating well, they stop relating well, and
times of change or stress can really bring out
disconnect. As long as you are communicating,
you can work through whatever problem you’re
facing.
Learn your partner’s emotional cues
Each of us is a little different in how we best
receive information. Some people might
respond better to sight, sound, or touch. Your
partner’s responses may be different from
yours. Take some time to learn your partner’s
cues, and be sure to communicate your own as
well. For example, one person might find a brief
massage after a stressful day a loving mode of
communication—while another might just want
to talk over a hot cup of tea.
So much of our communication is transmitted
by what we don’t say. Nonverbal cues—such as
eye contact, leaning forward or away, or
touching someone’s arm—communicate much
more than words. For a relationship to work
well, each person has to be receptive to
sending and receiving nonverbal cues. Learning
to understand this “body language” can help
you better understand what your partner is
trying to say. Think about what you are
transmitting as well, and if what you say
matches what you feel. If you say “I’m fine,” but
you clench your teeth and look away, then your
body is clearly signaling you are not.
Question your assumptions
If you’ve known each other for a while, you may
assume that your partner has a pretty good idea
of what you are thinking and what you need.
However, your partner is not a mind reader.
While your partner may have some idea, it is
much healthier to directly express your needs to
avoid any confusion. Your partner may sense
something, but it might not be what you need.
What’s more, people change, and what you
needed and wanted five years ago, for example,
may be very different now. Getting in the habit
of expressing your needs helps you weather
difficult times, which otherwise may lead to
increasing resentment, misunderstanding, and
anger.
Use your senses to keep stress in check
If you’re not calm and focused, you won’t be
able to communicate effectively. The best way
to reduce stress quickly and reliably is through
the senses. But each person responds
differently to sensory input, so you need to find
things that are soothing to you.
Relationship advice tip 4: Healthy
relationships are built on give and
take
If you expect to get what you want 100% of a
time in a relationship, you are setting yourself
up for disappointment. Healthy relationships are
built on compromise, and it takes work on each
person’s part to make sure that there is a
reasonable exchange.
Recognize what’s important to your partner
Knowing what is truly important to your partner
can go a long way towards building goodwill
and an atmosphere of compromise. On the flip
side, it’s also important for your partner to
recognize your wants and for you to state them
clearly. Constantly compromising your needs for
others' will build resentment and anger.
Don’t make “winning” your goal
If you approach your partner with the attitude
that things have to be your way or else, it will
be difficult to reach a compromise. Sometimes
this attitude comes from not having your needs
met while you were younger, or it could be from
years of accumulated resentment building up in
your current relationship. It’s all right to have
strong convictions about something, but your
partner deserves to be heard as well. You are
more likely to get your needs met if you respect
what your partner needs, and compromise when
you can.
Learn how to respectfully resolve conflict
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but to
keep a relationship strong, both people need to
feel they’ve been heard. The goal is not to win
but to resolve the conflict with respect and love.
Make sure you are fighting fair.
Don’t attack someone directly; use “I”
statements to communicate how you feel.
Don’t drag old arguments into the mix.
Keep the focus on the issue at hand, and
respect the other person.
RELATIONSHIP ADVICE TIP 5: Expect
ups and downs
It’s also important to recognize that there are
ups and downs in every relationship. You won’t
always be on the same page. Sometimes one
partner may be struggling with an issue that
stresses them, such as the death of a close
family member. Other events, like job loss or
severe health problems, can affect both partners
and make it difficult to relate to each other. You
might have different ideas of managing finances
or raising children. Different people cope with
stress differently, and misunderstanding can
rapidly turn to frustration and anger.
Relationship advice for getting through life’s
ups and downs
Don’t take out your problems on your
partner. Life stresses can make us short
tempered. If you are coping with a lot of
stress, it might seem easier to snap at your
partner. Fighting like this might initially feel
like a release, but it slowly poisons your
relationship. Find other ways to vent your
anger and frustration.
Some problems are bigger than both of you.
Trying to force a solution can cause even
more problems. Every person works through
problems and issues in his or her own way.
Remember that you’re a team. Continuing to
move forward together can get you through
the rough spots.
Be open to change. Change is inevitable in
life, and it will happen whether you go with it
or fight it. Flexibility is essential to adapt to
the change that is always taking place in any
relationship, and it allows you to grow
together through both the good times and
the bad.
Don’t ignore problems. Whatever problems
arise in a romantic relationship, it’s
important to face them together as a couple.
If an aspect of the relationship stops
working, don’t simply ignore it, but instead
address it with your partner. Things change,
so respond to them together as they do.
Romantic relationships require ongoing
attention
Many couples focus on their relationship
only when there are specific, unavoidable
problems to overcome. Once the problems
have been resolved they often switch their
attention back to their careers, kids, or
other interests. However, romantic
relationships require ongoing attention and
commitment for love to flourish. As long
as the health of a romantic relationship
remains important to you, it is going to
require your attention and effort.
If you need more relationship help
and advice
Sometimes problems in a relationship may
seem too complex or overwhelming for a
couple to handle on their own. In that case, it’s
important to reach out together for help. There
are a number of options available, including:
Couples counseling. It’s a big investment,
and time, energy, focus and commitment are
needed from both people to make a
difference, but you might consider couples
or marriage counseling to resolve your
differences. Both parties need to be willing
and able to honestly communicate what he
or she needs, face the issues that arise in
counseling, and then make the necessary
changes. It’s important also that both
people feel comfortable with the counselor.
Spiritual advice. Some couples benefit from
spiritual advice from a religious figure such
as a pastor or rabbi. This tends to work
best if both persons have similar convictions
of faith and have a good relationship with
the spiritual advisor.
Emotional Intelligence building. Try using
Helpguide's Emotional Intelligence Toolkit ,
a free utility for building emotional health
and emotional intelligence. This in-depth
course provides articles, videos, and audio
meditations designed to help you put the
skills of emotional intelligence and
communication into practice.
Individual therapy. Sometimes one person
may need specialized help. For example,
someone who is grieving the loss of a loved
one may need counseling to help him or her
process the grief. If your loved one needs
help, don’t feel like you are a failure for not
providing him or her everything he or she
needs. No one can fulfill everyone’s needs,
and getting the right help can make a
tremendous difference in your relationship.
source: HELPGUIDE
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